Nick and Velma – "At least I got laid"

Nick: It would be helpful if people indicated in their Nothing Personal ads if they are bitches from hell.

Velma: It would also be helpful if men entered their true height so I wouldn’t end up having dinner with a GQ Munchkin.

Nick: Velma was less beautiful in person than her photo indicated. My mistake, though. I thought she was on the left and her pet was on the right.

Velma: He was truthful when he said he drove a one-seat sports car. The back seat had been removed to store all his personal belongings.

Nick: Our date went better once I had 10 or 20 drinks in me.

Velma: I can’t believe he said his wallet was in his tuxedo at the cleaners.

Nick and Velma’s dating tip: Never ask an angry woman to go halfsies on a condom.

Liz and Dave – "He was everything I was looking for and less"

Liz: His Nothing Personal ad looked pretty hunky to me. I mean what girl could say no to a five-time “Mr. Provincetown”?

Dave: Our first date was great. We shopped till we dropped.

Liz: It got to the point I was so desperate, I was slipping Viagra in his food.

Dave: We did do it once, but all the time I was thinking about a Liza Minnelli impersonator.

Liz and Dave’s dating tip: There is something to be said for sitting alone in your room. Don’t go to the Cabaret.

Dick and Jane – "Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest through the trees"

Dick: I’m not sure why I thought Nothing Personal Ads would be a good way to meet fellow members of the Federal Witness Protection program.

Dick and Jane’s dating tip: The biggest relationship killer is a killer from a previous relationship

Chris and Harper – "Seeing is believing"

Harper: When I began writing to Chris, I was very impressed with his sense of fashion.

Chris: Of course, I didn’t tell her everything about me at first. It’s important to project an air of mystery.

Harper: I tried to remain open minded, but I grew tired of him constantly asking, “Why are you staring at my chest?”

Chris: Things started to go down hill when she noticed I had a smaller waist.

Harper: I realized something was wrong when I had five interventions in one week.

Chris: For a relationship to succeed, you have to share more than the same taste in mascara.

Harper and Chris’s dating tip: When someone tells you they’re a cross dresser, it doesn’t necessarily mean he's a guy who got his private parts stuck in his zipper.