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Do you find personal ads harder to decipher than the Dead Sea Scrolls? Use this handy NothingPersonal dating glossary to translate codes and clichés, bluster and blather. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z- A - adventurous - Leaves apartment once a week to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. affectionate (female) - Wants to cuddle during Super Bowl triple overtime. affectionate (male) - Loves to grab your ass at funerals. appreciates the finer things in life -- Willing to max out credit card on junk food. artist - Takes pride in penmanship. athletic (male) - Single-handedly unloads beer coolers at softball games. athletic (female) - Thinks about field hockey during sex. average looking (honest person) - Average looking average looking (99.9% of the population) - Below average looking baggage - Restraining orders beautiful - Once received a polite rejection letter from a modeling agency. booty-licious -- Smells like an old boot. career oriented - Blames non-existent career for non-existent social life. caring - Suffocating clever -- Can stick a napkin into one nostril and pull it through the other. comfortable in jeans or little black dress - Willing to dress like a farmer or a hooker to get a date. communication important - Once dated the Unabomber, and it didn't work out. compassionate - Cries at the drop of a hat. confident - Never admits they're wrong. contagious smile - Makes people feel very uncomfortable. creative -- Still has the gold star from kindergarten for finger painting. curious -- Has always wondered why birds don't fly west for the winter. delicate -- Bruises just from thinking about sex. discreet - Prefers sex in hotel rooms that rent by the hour. distinguished (looking) - Should have shaved goatee off years ago. does things with class - Wouldn't know class if it bit them on the derrière. down to earth -- Waits until marriage before talking about UFO abduction experience. easygoing -- The only one at the funeral is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. eccentric - Is self-centered to the beat of a different drummer. eclectic -- The complete works of Shakespeare on coffee table in living room, People magazine on the nightstand in bedroom. emotionally available - Can sustain eye contact for at least eight seconds before looking at another woman. emotionally secure - Insensitive employed - Hasn't worked at McDonald's long enough to call it a career. energetic -- Still remembers doing a sit-up in 1984. enjoys art and opera - Enjoys dressing up, sitting in a concert hall, and daydreaming about monster truck pulls. enjoys culture - Is probably reading this to find out what culture is. enjoys life - Has not contemplated suicide in a week. enjoys nature - Once spent a wild weekend with Marlin Perkins. evolving - Becomes less fun each day. exotic - Really should have a doctor look at those five moles on face. family is very important -- Can remember the names of most siblings. family-oriented -- Brings mother on first date. feminist - All the other interesting descriptions were taken. (seeks) financially secure - Seeks sugar daddy. (is) financially secure - Just made final payment on 1994 Ford Escort. fit -- Can watch an entire exercise video without passing out. free spirit - See eccentric. friendship first - Terrified of sex. fun-loving - That annoying person at parties who always wants to play charades. funny - Prone to making inappropriate comments. glass is half full - Very close to joining a cult good listener - Has nothing to say. good looking - Thinks Popeye is good looking. (in) good shape - Last saw own toes in 1993. great cook - Maestro of the microwave handsome - See good looking. height proportionate to weight - Struggling to stay out of Rubenesque territory. huggable - Someone you would not invite to your S&M club. humorous - Laughs at own limp jokes. impulsive - Lacks self discipline. intellectually stimulating -- Knows 456 appropriate situations for flipping the bird. (is) intelligent - Knows how spell "intelligent." (seeks) intelligent - Someone whose knuckles have yet to scrape the ground. in transition - Has no direction in life. intuitive - Has bought a few winning scratch tickets. jeans - See comfortable in jeans or little black dress. knight in shining armor - Imaginary friend laid back -- Will finish entrée and ask to see the desert menu before noticing you're having a heart attack. light drinker - Won't admit to being a heavy drinker. likes to cuddle (female) - Won't admit she's terrified of sex. likes to cuddle (male) - Will say anything for sex. likes long walks on the beach - Devoid of any original thoughts. likes candle-lit dinners - See likes to take long walks on the beach. likes sitting before a roaring fire - See likes to take long walks on the beach. look young for my age (men) - Holds stomach in a lot. look young for my age (women) - Wears tank tops and clothing more appropriate for a younger woman. loves animals - Derives an unhealthy amount of emotional support from their pet. loves life and all it has to offer - Either a Rotarian, Libertarian, or Unitarian. love to laugh - Insane (high) maintenance - Looking to meet a rich attractive wimp. (low) maintenance - Will not make unrealistic demands until after marriage. (looking for someone to) make me laugh - Will never make you laugh. married to my job - Has no life. mature - Looking to meet someone Amish. Mr. Right - See knight in shining armor. new-age - Old hippie no-nonsense -- No fun no-strings-attached relationship -- Plenty of sex and antibiotics non-traditional - Never picks up a check. old fashioned (man) - Thinks Gloria Steinem is a "real looker." old fashioned (woman) - Gets excited at the thought of Jack Lord pistol-whipping a suspect. open minded - Willing to pretend to listen to anyone's "ridiculous" ideas. optimistic -- Still thinks the Beatles will be getting back together. outgoing - Has far fewer friends than realizes. overweight but working on it -- Has lost and gained the same pound 109,345 times. passionate - Gets carried away over nothing. people person - Scared of being alone. petite - Elf-like poet - Unpublished writer politically progressive -- Fanaticizes about Ralph Nader in a Speedo. positive attitude - See glass is half full. professional - Pretends not to know you when asking, "Do you want fries with that?" (loves) public displays of affection - a) Gropes you at the most inappropriate times. b) Hysterically berates you at the most inappropriate times. quiet - Has no original thoughts. Rubenesque - Describes the Goodyear blimp as "voluptuous." sassy - Unaware of total lack of sex appeal. seeks partner in crime -- Will not date anyone before seeing five forms of identification. self-aware - Self-absorbed self-employed - Unemployed sensitive (male) - Cries when his team doesn't cover the spread. sensitive (female) - Cries for no apparent reason. sensual - Was once arrested for inappropriately riding a horse. sensuous - Likes to wear lingerie while having cyber sex. (is) sexy (male) - Can achieve an orgasm by looking in the mirror. (is) sexy (female) - Will sit naked on a copy machine after only one beer. (want to meet someone who is) sexy - Someone whose allure is not totally masked by perfume or cologne. shy - Well-mannered stalker slender - Debating whether to get breast implants. smart - See intelligent. social activist -- Bought Girl Scout cookies this year. sophisticated - Knows the correct way to eat a Big Mac. (seeks) soul mate - Seeks identical mate except for genitalia. spiritual - Owns more than one Yanni album. stable - Never forgets to take medication. stylish -- Always sniffs clothes before putting them on. sweet - Nice to the point of nauseating. tall (male) - Eight inches shorter than what profiles lists. tall (female) - Will strain your neck if you're always looking at her breasts. thoughtful - Promises to call to make sure you got home safely -- after leaving you at a bus stop. traditional - See old fashioned. U - Illiterate word crunch symbol for "you" - as in "LQQKING 4 U." visually oriented - An unwitting brag about being shallow. voluptuous - Five pounds from having to buy two seats on a plane. weight proportionate to height - See height proportionate to weight. writer - See poet. x - Shorthand for "ex" - the demon ghost haunting many personal ads. (# of years) young - See young at heart. young at heart - Old in body. zaftig - See Rubenesque.
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