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Life without you would be hard to digest |
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MY
BASICS |
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I am a:
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Woman |
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Looking for
a:
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Man |
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Interested
in:
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A long-term relationship, preferably with a short-order cook |
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Age:
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38 |
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Location:
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Bingeport, Connecticut |
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Height:
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Tall enough to reach the top shelf at any supermarket |
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Weight:
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If my scale could talk, it would
scream, "Get off!” |
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Hair:
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Chocolate frosted |
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Eyes:
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Always searching for the buffet table |
| Occupation: |
Martha Stewart’s food taster |
| Education: |
Bachelors in beef, Masters in minestrone |
| Ethnicity: |
Swiss with a little Turkey on the side |
| Religion: |
Jehovah's Whitman Samplers |
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Star Sign: |
Reese's Pisces |
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MORE
ABOUT ME |
|
 Proudest
accomplishment
In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Have Gastric Bypass Surgery.”
Last great book I read
The Single Woman’s Guide
to Low-Sodium Sex
Music that puts me in the mood
IHOP jingle – London Philharmonic
Favorite movie
Tossup between “The Lord of the Onion Rings” and “The Silence of the Lamb Chops”
My
perfect getaway weekend
Club Sandwich Med
The five items I can't live without
George Foreman vibrator. Elastic waistbands. Lemon-flavored Post-It notes. Kate Moss dart board. Condiments.
Turn
ons
Catered orgies. Getting up early to watch a soufflé rise over the horizon. Mashed potato wrestling. Edible jockey shorts. Edible winter apparel.
Turn
offs
People without arms long enough to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on me. Airlines that charge one person for three seats. People who yell, “Get off me, I can’t breathe!” during sex. Clogged arteries. People who cheat at mashed potato wrestling. |
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EVEN
MORE ABOUT ME
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I’m a full-figured gal with a lust for life. It doesn’t matter if it’s Two-For-One
Omelette Night at Denny’s or just an intimate
menage á quinze. I’ve been accused of having a voracious appetite that’s out of control. Perhaps, but how can you truly experience what life has to offer if you don’t push your limits – or at least spend a weekend in Mexico with an albino Chippendale dancer? My motto is: If it feels good, do it – until the police tell you to stop. |
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WHAT
I'M LOOKING FOR
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I’m looking for a real man. Not one of those wimps who are intimidated by the sight of a woman licking the bottom of a fried chicken bucket. Chubby chasers need apply. If you think you’ve got what it takes, let’s get together. We’ll have a few drinks, I’ll strap you on, and we’ll go from there. |
