Just because I've never had a relationship that's lasted beyond 37 minutes doesn't mean I'm easy

MY BASICS
I am a:

Woman
Looking for a:

Man
Interested in:

A long-term relationship or a one-night stand -- whatever lasts longer
Age:

37
Location:

Sitting by the phone waiting for him to call
Height:

Taller than every shrimp who said he was 6' 2" in his personal ad
Dating weight:

120 lbs
Obsessing about dating weight:

160 lbs
Hair:

Whoever said blondes have more fun has never watched me slow dancing with my troglodyte du jour
Eyes:

Usually blinded by cologne fumes
Occupation:  Part-time Arena Football League groupie
Education:

Graduated from college with honors and herpes
Ethnicity:

Kevorkian
Religion:

Lapsed Moonie

Star Sign:

I lost my Virgo in the backseat of a Taurus.

MORE ABOUT ME 

 Proudest accomplishment
In a previous life, I was seduced and abandoned by Al  Jolson.

 Last great book I read
"Dating for One" by Ted Kaczynski

 Music that puts me in the mood
"I Won't Survive" by Gloria Gaynor

 Favorite movie
 "Fatal Attraction" It's like I'm watching my own life -- only with a happier ending.

 My perfect getaway weekend
 Club Med-Love Canal. For chemicals and relationships, it's a great place to dump and be dumped.

 The five items I can't live without
My lucky can of Mace; tear-resistant mascara; dart board made out of a copy of "The Rules;" 23 trophies from singles cruise ship limbo championships; my lifetime membership to "Rogues on the Rebound" dating club

 Turn ons
Candle-lit conjugal visits; being hit on at my date-o-holic meetings; men who don't insist on showing their vasectomy scar; cuddling with my cyber sex partner

 Turn offs
Men who lie on the first date; being asked to be in a threesome with an inflatable doll; men who stare at my chest during a gynecological exam; finding out my cyber sex partner is my cleaning woman

EVEN MORE ABOUT ME

I've placed ads in practically every dating site, and all I have to show for it are e-mails from perverts, weirdoes, and Republicans. I don't mind having dinner with a Charles Manson wannabe, but is it asking too much for him to pick up the check? I'm an attractive, intelligent, and accomplished woman who has much to offer. I've read every self-help book and attended countless dating and relationship seminars. Why do I keep meeting men who lack the character and ambition to be even a suspect on "Cops?" I still believe there is good in everybody, but I'm very close to canceling my personal ad on Incarcerated-Eligibles.com.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

For once, I'd like to meet a man who will sweep me off my feet, dazzle me with his charm and intelligence, and make me feel cherished and loved. If you decide you're gay after a few months, we'll work through it.