 |
I can deal with your emotional baggage as long as it’s
Louis Vuitton |
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MY
BASICS |
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I am a:
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Highly refined woman |
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Looking for
a:
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Man with monogrammed jockey shorts |
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Interested
in:
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A
long-term relationship based on love, honesty, and an abhorrence of any generic product |
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Age:
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36 |
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Location:
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A gated community so exclusive my mother couldn’t get on the waiting list |
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Height:
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Tall enough to look down at most people |
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Weight:
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Only my personal liposuctionist knows for sure |
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Hair:
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Styled exclusively by René LaRoot of Palm Beach |
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Eyes:
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Sharp enough to spot a Versace knock-off from a
mile |
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Nose:
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Straightened by the
finest plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills |
| Occupation: |
Fact checker for the Neiman Marcus catalogue |
| Education: |
More exclusive girl schools than you could shake a plaid skirt at |
| Ethnicity: |
Converted to WASP. Legal work performed
exclusively by Goldberg, Levine, Cohen, &
Bernstein of Crown Heights |
| Religion: |
Converted to Episcopalian. Service conducted exclusively by Bishop Holden Crawford of Ridgefield |
|
Spiritual guidance: |
Yanni wherever tapes and CDs are sold |
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Star Sign: |
Taurus exclusively by Mr. Bull of
Palm
Springs |
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MORE
ABOUT ME |
|
 Proudest
accomplishment
Organized a walk for botched breast implant victims
Last great book I read
Being a confirmed Francophile, “The Jerry Lewis Story”
Music that puts me in the mood
Listening to Don Giovanni under a Tuscan moon. I didn’t even mind being groped by Donald Trump’s nephew.
Favorite movie
I only watch small independent films and foreign porn.
My perfect
getaway weekend
Flying on a private jet to Barcelona for
a jalapeno Botox injection
The five items I can't live without
My cell phone with speed dial set to 350 dear friends; yearly family get-togethers;
imported Belgium hoagies; my
Armani limited edition Segway; my Brookstone toilet plunger
Turn
ons
Ralph Lauren tattoos; a BMW taking up
two parking spaces; two strong hands choking an insubordinate waiter; driving to a liquor store with Billy Joel
Turn
offs
Prenuptial agreements; being asked to share a mud bath with Joan Rivers; getting an angry call from your “diseased” wife; being pinned between an air bag and Billy Joel |
|
EVEN
MORE ABOUT ME
|
|
I am an intelligent, sophisticated, beautiful, and discriminating woman of unmatched pedigree -- and have the papers to prove it. I enjoy the simple pleasures of life, whether it’s a moonlit walk down the Champs-Elysees, or watching a virgin being sacrificed on a Polynesian island. I'm comfortable in
Diesel jeans and a Escada top or a Dolce & Gabbana dress with matching
Miu Miu shoes and Gucci handbag. Friends who know me well describe me as funny, charming, smart, and witty. Friends who don’t know me
well describe me as a backstabbing pretentious status whore. So I guess the lesson is you can‘t please everyone. |
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WHAT
I'M LOOKING FOR
|
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I’ve always been attracted to the man who marches to the beat of a different drummer, particularly if he marches in a nice pair of Calvin Klein jeans with a casual sports jacket from Barney’s. I don’t care what you do for a living, just as long as you enjoy making enough money to make me happy. I realize that maintaining a passionate relationship in a marriage is not
easy, but it’s certainly not a problem that separate bedrooms, month-long trips to spas, and flings with the cabana boy
can’t solve. |
