Former Master of the Universe seeks the girl of his shattered dreams

MY BASICS
I am a:

Man
Looking for a:

Woman
Interested in:

A relationship that doesn't end with me and my belongings escorted out of a building by security
Age:

28
Location:

On a ledge, waiting to be talked down
Height:

Tenth floor if you really need to know
Weight:

175 lbs naked; 200 lbs while holding worthless stock options
Hair:

In desperate need of a trim by my stylist, Alberto whom I can no longer afford
Eyes:

Desperately searching for the bottom of this recession
Occupation:

Pending a drug test, security clearance, and verification of my references: busboy at my uncle's restaurant
Education:

Associate degree in derivatives from Sir Allen Stanford's Off Shore University and Cricket Club
Ethnicity:  Bounced Czech
Religion:

Atheist but I'm thinking about converting to
Tele-Evangelism
Star Sign:  I can't believe I'm now driving a used Taurus

MORE ABOUT ME 

 Proudest accomplishment
Not crying while my hair plugs were being repossessed

 Last great book I read
"TurboTax for Dummies" by Timothy Geithner

 Music that puts me in the mood
Johnny "Canceled" Paycheck's "Because You're Mine I Walk the Unemployment Line"

 Favorite movie
 "Wall Street." I never watched the whole thing. How did it end?

 My perfect getaway weekend getaway weekend
 Fired Island

 The five items I can't live without
The support of my 973 close Facebook friends. My lucky Lehman Brothers coffee mug. My Gordon Gekko Tirade-A-Day calendar. The Amway product I bought from my former boss who laid me off. My new bachelor's pad/parent's basement.

 Turn ons
 A sexy shoulder to cry on. Extended unemployment benefits. Phone sex operators talking about my "big severance package." Kinko babes who will print you a few extra resumes. The way CNBC's Maria Bartiromo's nose flares when she says "bailout."

 Turn offs
Being dumped for a squeegee guy. Women who scream "Bernie Madoff" during sex. My upstairs parents complaining about my women screaming "Bernie Madoff" during sex. Being stripped searched for office supplies during exit interviews. The way CNBC's Jim Cramer's nose flares when he says "bailout."

EVEN MORE ABOUT ME

I am someone who reflects these times of diminished expectations. I am everything you've ever wanted in a man and less. Have you dreamed about a guy with money? I used to have plenty. Does the sight of a hunky fellow make your heart melt? I was an Adonis until I couldn't afford to go to the gym. Who doesn't love dinner at an expensive restaurant followed by a Broadway show? But until the economic stimulus kicks in, would you settle for a hot dog and a street mime?

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

I'm also downsizing my expectations. If you can only afford one breast implant, no problem; I'm a half full kind of guy. Did you have to give up your therapist? I can endure an emotional outburst now and then -- just as long as I don't have to pay for broken merchandise or injured sales help.