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Uzbeki boy beckons buffed blades |
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MY
BASICS |
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I am a:
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New citizen man |
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Looking for
a:
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Get down American guy |
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Interested
in:
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A
serious relationship, one-night stand, or two end tables |
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Age:
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35 or 8765 according to old country calendar |
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Location:
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Cab 146, heading for airport |
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Height:
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6
’5” in my funkadelic disco shoes |
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Weight:
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180lbs,
215lbs with jewelry |
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Hair:
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Parted on the left side of my back |
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Eyes:
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Two until goat-riding accident |
| Occupation: |
Cab driver and Northeast distributor for Rodex, Robex, and Rokex watches |
| Education: |
University of Southern Uzbekistan, Tashkent campus. Majored in subsistence farming, minored in mines |
| Ethnicity: |
Uzbekistani but could easily pass for Tajikistani |
| Religion: |
Eastern Ortha Lox and Bagels |
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Star Sign: |
Check out my neck chains. I got them all. |
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MORE
ABOUT ME |
|
 Proudest
accomplishment
In high school, was voted “Most Likely to Marry Outside of My Village”
Last great book I read
“Teletubbies Guide to Safe Sex”
Music that puts me in the mood
“Judy Garland Sings the Dilorom Saidaminova Songbook”
Favorite movie
“Robocop” It made me understand what it means to be an American.
My perfect
getaway weekend
Any place I can go where people don’t say, “Get away from me!”
The five items I can't live without
Calvin Kline double-knit pants. Rambo movies dubbed in Pakistani. Iranian car air fresheners. My lucky glass eye.
Turn
ons
Garlic-flavored condoms. Braided chest hair. Seductive glances across a highway rest area. Phlegm-free cries of passion.
Turn
offs
Guys who don’t comb their backs. Guys who won’t share a bed with my three brothers, sister, and mother. Guys who don’t like chopped liver massages. Being asked to see my green card -- during sex. |
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EVEN
MORE ABOUT ME
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In the short time I’ve been in the U.S., I’ve found a home, made new friends, and established business ties with the Russian mafia. Is this a great country or what? But I also realize there’s more to life than smoking my daily carton of no-filter Camels and disinfecting my cab and myself with Lysol at the end of the day. It’s time to find someone to share my life with. Family is very important to me. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be living with 12 relatives in a studio apartment. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for one more -- in my heart and in my bed with my Aunt Yodgora and her two cousins. |
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WHAT
I'M LOOKING FOR
|
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I’m looking for a guy who knows the meaning of commitment -- and many other words I’ve yet to learn. It would be nice to have someone help me do the little things in life -- like unload a shipment of bootleg “King Kong” DVDs. If you don’t have any good clothes, don’t worry. I have plenty of Balph Lauren suits and Guggi loafers. |
