From the Desk of Barry Glekin, Ph.D., Online Therapist

Dear Mr. Haskin:

The following is your 10-session virtual evaluation:

If, as you claim, you are a 35-year old man, you’ve made much progress and are ready to start dating non-inflatable women. I think it is also time for you to confront your family. It was a cruel joke for them to make you believe your real father was Lee Harvey Oswald. 

If you are actually a 35-year old woman, you need to ask your husband to help out more around the house. It’s also time for you to get into a 12-step program to help deal with your online poker addiction.

If you’re actually a 67-year old retired circus clown, you need to stop pretending things are fine with your wife. Take some Viagra and don’t come out of your trailer until you’ve rocked her world.

If you’re actually Joan Collins, you’ve got to understand that an endless stream of boy toys will never take the place of one satisfying relationship. Cohabit with the cabana boy if you must, but would it kill you to let Ed Asner take you to the Olive Garden?

I hope this will help. Remember, an honest person is a happy person, whomever you may be.