Advice from a Woman's Perspective

Bowled over by bad boys

Dear Madison,

What's wrong with me? I'm an attractive, intelligent, and successful woman, but I always date losers. I've always been attracted to bad boys. In the last six months, I've dated a bounty hunter, the lead guitarist in a rock band, a professional skateboarder, a member in bad standing of Hell's Angels, and my best friend's accordion teacher. (The accordion teacher was more to cleanse my palate.) I feel addicted to the excitement and danger of these men, but each relationship is the same: They lie to me, hit on my girlfriends, borrow money, and then disappear without any notice. I've tried dating nice stable guys, but I find them so boring. What should I do?

Frustrated in Fresno

Dear Frustrated in Fresno,

We've all been down that road before -- cruising along with a dangerous Don Juan, our blood pumping, and the wind blowing through our hair. We feel so alive. And then without notice, we find ourselves abandoned at a rest stop, wondering what made us think we could tame Attila the Psychopath.

Dating a desperado will, in the end, only make you more desperate. I once had a torrid three-week affair with Ken, a kleptomaniac from Kansas. My heart still flutters at the sight of a pair of sunglasses clandestinely being slipped into a shopping bag. But the benefits of dating this larcenous lad never outweighed the damage to my self-esteem.

You think you can change a bad boy into a semi-bad boy, but you can't. Be grateful if you can get him to change his underwear now and then.

You can change yourself by making better choices in men. The most important qualities we seek in a partner -- character, integrity, honesty, etc. -- are the primary building blocks of a "good boy." Finding a good boy is step one. Step two is finding some bad boy qualities in your good boy to give the relationship some excitement. He could be an accountant who runs with scissors, or a quality assurance technician who walks off with more than one complimentary mint when he leaves a restaurant. I still hyperventilate at the thought of my third husband drinking milk out of the carton.

We all have fantasized about or have dated one or more bad boys in our lifetimes. For some of us, it is a rite of passage. (In my case, it was also a trip to Tijuana followed by heavy doses of penicillin.) If wisdom is gained, this journey will always lead to a healthier relationship with a good boy who has a streak of the bad boy -- the kind of guy who parks his car diagonally across two spaces.

Madison O'Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also the host of the cable-access cooking show, "Mexican Cuisine the O'Rourke Way."