Dear Nils and Sherry,
Nick and I have been dating for over six months. He's a great
guy and I am certain we will spend the rest of our lives together. There's one
problem: Nick has a dating history that's too extensive to be covered
in a Spike TV miniseries. Worse, he's constantly alluding to former "conquests" in conversations. When I've mentioned this, he always says I'm overreacting. Am I?
Distressed in Des Moines
Dear Distressed,
Sherry: Often, men talk about their past affairs as a way of asserting their masculinity. It's the classic example of putting their fragile egos before our feelings.
Nils: In other cases, women may not be secure enough to handle the fact that other women find us desirable.
Sherry: If your Don Juan turns out to be a Don Knotts, he may be fabricating past affairs in a pitiful attempt to assert his manhood.
Nils: Deluding yourself into thinking no other woman could be attracted to your man is not a healthy alternative -- particularly if he is viewed as almost god-like in his work.
Sherry: One perky teaching assistant's god is another mature intelligent woman's pathetic loser. Don't be taken in by stories of unabashed adulation, especially when the
idolaters have no idea they're worshiping a false god.
Nils: When faced with a nightly stream of alcohol-laced invectives, is
it any wonder why a man would wax nostalgic about a former flame from his past?
Sherry: It's understandable that these memories are so vivid -- since most of them usually take place 45 minutes prior with a failing coed at a
Motel 6.
Nils: If you are honest about your feelings, you might realize that his reference to past affairs may not be the real issue. For example, was he granted tenure and you were turned down? Are you having trouble dealing with the fact that, as you get older, you're becoming less attractive to the opposite sex?
Sherry: He may tell you it's your fault, but he won't be able to deny the inevitable truth: Without the assurance that he is desirable to all
women, he becomes nothing more than a sad lecherous shell of a man, doomed to spend the rest of his life seeking out the slightest glimmer of adoration from any impressionable lass wearing a halter top.
Nils: Trust is the cornerstone of any good relationship. If he knows there will never be a time when he'll come home to find you in a drunken stupor, feebly attempting to put on a halter top, you're on the right track.
Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen are
relationship counselors without portfolio. They are visiting lecturers at
the Santa Barbara Institute where they specialize in issues of delusion
and dysfunction.
Advice
from Both Sides