Dating in Midlife

Drumming up support groups

A few months ago, I jumped onto the Internet dating bandwagon. At first, it was exciting to turn on my computer each day and discover another Bob Barker look-alike. But after meeting an endless stream of gentlemen whose dinner conversations invariably ended with, “Excuse me, I have to take another pill,” I began to realize I needed to share more with a man than just his prostate problems.

My dating life had gone to the dogs and I couldn’t have been luckier.

Two weeks ago, I was waiting for my dear miniature schnauzer, Rockford to be finished with his grooming at "Goodbye Mr. Clips." Rockford’s manicurist, Panzo, told me about his friend, Shashona Pamona, who conducts a women's empowerment workshop called “Dating Tips For Your Inner Goddess.”

The following Thursday night found me at the Amazonian Women’s Health Center. I was greeted by Shashona, a rotund fiftyish woman sporting a long graying ponytail. She wore one of those peasant outfits that look like a nicely tailored burlap sack.

The group consisted of fourteen women sitting on cushions in a circle surrounding Shashona. Unlike Shashona, these women, wedged into bellbottom pants and hemp pushup bras, were fighting to stay in dating shape.

Shashona began by handing out the course syllabus. First up was an astroshamanic trance dance, followed by traditional circle dances, totemic postures, and fertility polkas.

If I wanted an evening of dancing, I would’ve made a date with Arthur Murray. As Shashona was taking her drum out of the closet, I asked how dancing would help me find a date. She replied, “In order to dissolve the obstacles to love, we must apply our spiritual vision and grow beyond our painful stories.”

I was more confused. “Will this help me find a guy who won't fall asleep before the waitress brings the check?”

She thought for a moment. “To achieve that plane of communication, you must explore your potential for new levels of personal integration.”

“I just want to meet someone whose teeth won’t fall out when they kiss me goodnight.”

Before Shashona could respond, another woman jumped in: “Just once, I’d like to meet a guy at the food co-op who doesn’t ask me how I feel about his organically grown banana.”

A woman in orthopedic earth shoes joined in: “I spent three days in jail with a guy at an anti-globalization rally and he still hasn’t called.”

At this point, the dam broke and a reservoir of bad dating stories came spilling fourth. Shashona could only sit quietly and beat her drum.

After an hour of non-stop ranting, we crawled off our cushions, regained the circulation in our legs, and continued the conversation over fried veggie plates at a local Applebees.

Our journey didn't lead us to a higher spiritual plane. It didn't even lead us to a man who can sit through an entire Meryl Streep movie. But we may have discovered something more important: friends to share our hearts and Margaritas to wash down our potato skins.

Betty St. James is a former Olympic shot putter and will appear in Playboy magazine's February 2006 issue, "Women of AARP."