Advice from a Woman's Perspective

Advice from a woman's perspective by a gal who's been around the block -- and around the block again.

Madison O'Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also the host of the cable-access cooking show, "Mexican Cuisine the O'Rourke Way."

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Hello Madison,

I have questions in relation to my single, never married (at 42) status:

a. How do you say “no” politely to requests for a date or phone number?

b. Why do men expect us to be accountable to them before they’ll commit to us? For example, rather than following through on discussions for a date on Friday, they call Friday night to say they’re too tired, it's too cold out, etc. Then they ask if we’re staying in because they may call later.

Thanks!!, LV Linda

Linda,

About question (a) -- Delivered politely or otherwise, there are two things men don't and will never comprehend: "No!" and "Didn't you hear me? I said No!"

About question (b) -- If men can't comprehend "no," can you really expect them to understand the concepts of consideration and commitment?

Men have a hard enough time understanding the subtle differences between "Yes" and "I've got Mace and I'm not afraid to use it." Your concern for other person's feelings is commendable, but if you want to get home with your Wonderbra in one piece, your only option is to state politely and firmly you're not interested -- and if that doesn't work, flash the universal sign for castration.

A more comprehensive weeding-out process should help eliminate most commitment-challenged dates. For the ones that slip through, you may want to suggest a new hobby -- like learning the universal sign for castration.

Dear Madison,

I recently met a woman and we’ve been dating. At various times she’s told me would like to take it slow and get to know me, she thinks she and I will have fun hanging out, she's tired of the dating scene and wants to settle down, and she doesn't want to ever be married again. I should also add that she is legally divorced and I am not. What is she trying to tell me?

I'm really confused.

Confused,

I’m guessing she’s giving off mixed signals because you’re still legally married and she doesn’t want to commit to anything right now.

I once dated a circus acrobat who was in the process of divorcing his wife, the carnival’s fat lady. Though the sight of him flying through the air with the greatest of ease conjured wonderful thoughts of us on our knees, I wasn’t going to give my heart to a man who was still sharing his wife with Ben and Jerry. Eventually, he tired of my little yes-no-maybe games and took up with the female half of Pat, the half man-half woman.

Commitment is a two-way street. When a woman knows you’re serious about her, a car full of clowns won’t stop her from being with you.

Dear Madison,

What's the real story with online dating? I've been doing it for about a year and it seems like I've dated every guy in Loserville -- including the mayor and city council.

Peggy, Boston

Dear Peggy

Perhaps you need to be more selective. Just because someone says they like to take long walks on the beach doesn't mean their cologne doesn't smell like low tide. Yes, it's often hard to know if Cro-Magnon knuckles are dragging across his keyboard. That's why it never hurts to Google for gaggers. 

By the way, if you run into Loserville's animal control officer, tell him I want my leash and handcuffs back.