Surviving a Bad First Date

By Theo Hepburn

People survive amazing disasters. The earthquake victim is pulled alive from the rubble. The driver walks away scratch-free from a crumpled auto. A woman endures a first date with a cologne-soaked, emotional baggage-laden, mid-level marketing executive.

Luck plays into the equation, but you can increase your chances of surviving an unpleasant first encounter. An ounce of prevention is worth a six-month stay in a sanitarium.

The following are tips for surviving a bad first date. Read them as if your life depended on it:

Assemble a first date disaster kit. The following items are essential:

An excuse to leave at any moment. Telling your date that you've been
  called to the operating room to save a life will be more convincing if
  you haven't already told her you're a postal worker.

Nose plugs so you won't inhale too much aftershave lotion or perfume.

An extra can of Mace. Some men become aroused after only one blast
   to the face.

A list of mental illnesses that run in your family. Nothing stops a
   charging bull (or cow) like a disturbing "wacky" sibling story.

A list of well-known gangsters to whom you are related. The best way
   to erase the image of a man in a tuxedo walking down a church aisle
   is to insert the image of man in a prison jumpsuit walking into a
   courthouse.

A moral compass. It's easy to get lost, even in familiar situations. An
   inner trail guide is an essential tool for making quick and principled
   decisions, such as politely declining sex in the back of your date's 
   Geo Metro.

A quart of mouth wash and eight-feet of Listerine Strips. If at some
   point your date manages to insert a tongue into your mouth,
   thorough cleansing may be required.

Brace yourself for what your date will actually look like. The picture they e-mailed you is either ten years old, has been airbrushed to oblivion, or came with a recently purchased wallet. If you haven't seen a picture, expect somebody six inches shorter or 40 pounds heavier -- or both. DON'T PANIC. Focus on the positive. He or she may look similar to a lot of the suspects you've seen on "Cops," but use this information for conversation starters: "Is there a story behind that scar?" Or, "Do you braid your nose hair for religious reasons?" With luck, the evening will fly by before you get to UFOs and Elvis pilgrimages.

Prepare to receive an inappropriate gift. For men (though highly unlikely), a sweater knitted in fifteen minutes. For women, a teddy bear can easily convert into a pet chew toy. Act grateful but not too grateful.

Familiarize yourself with all exits. Don't be a hero. There's no shame in admitting you can't endure one more chemotherapy anecdote. With intelligence and daring, you can create a diversion and sneak out the nearest door.

Practice your "pretend" listening skills. The most essential survival dating skill is the ability to appear as though you are listening. Remember to nod and blink. If you're a man, you may already use this method in combo with gazing at other women or watching a sporting event on the TV over the bar.

They show you pictures; you show them your other personalities. Your date won't get the point, but at least those sitting around you will be entertained.

It's not a good night kiss. It's a "I survived to date another day" kiss. Don't dread this concluding moment of groping and saliva. Congratulate yourself! You're a survivor! You overcame obstacles that would have defeated lesser daters.

It's an old cliché -- you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to a prince or princess. After a bad date, think green. You're now one frog closer.

Theo Hepburn is a certified spiritual healer and is working on a musical based on the life of Ernest Borgnine.