Speed Dating -- But Will You Love Me in an Hour?

By Misty Edelman

Are you tired of spending countless hours online trying to meet someone? Has pouring out your heart in endless e-mails resulted in nothing more than a vague promise of a date in 2035 with Prisoner #3976?

Speed dating may be for you.

Speed dating has become very popular in most cities that have large numbers of people looking for potential mates -- or easy targets to buy vinyl siding.

A speed-dating event usually takes place at a restaurant or an abandoned medical testing facility. After signing in, you’ll receive an ID number to identify you throughout the night, or later if authorities need to identify your remains.

You’ll also receive a scorecard for rating your dates and jotting down distinguishable features such as moles, tattoos, breast size, and net worth.

A ringing bell signals your first date. The bell then rings every four minutes indicating it’s time to move on to your next date. After each date, you circle "yes" or "no" next to each date’s ID number on your scorecard to indicate whether you want to see him or her again. The evening concludes after you’ve had eight dates, or a ringing headache, whichever comes first.

I recently tried speed dating for the first time. After receiving my ID, I met eight men. Here’s the scorecard:

Date 1: Bob was a cute financial analyst who looked like a Lebanese Brad Pitt. I really liked him, but after two minutes we felt we needed to give each other room to grow.

Date 2: Carl had just lost 250 pounds in the last year but still missed the feeling of not being able to get out of bed. We had a very pleasant conversation, but after three and a half minutes we agreed we should start seeing other people.

Date 3: Ernie was a human rights activist who had recently returned from Sweden where he’d set up a soup kitchen in a Volvo factory. He was everything I’d ever wanted in a man, but after two minutes I realized I was holding him back and had to let him go to pursue his dreams.

Date 4: Ed was a businessman who owned more condom dispensers than anyone on the Eastern seaboard. He was a nice guy, but was basically a homebody. After three minutes we got into a terrible fight that ended with me screaming, “We never go anywhere!”

Date 5: Harlan was listed in the Guinness Book of World's Records as the only person to travel over Niagara Falls in a mid-size sedan. I thought he had a lot going for him. Unfortunately, for three and a half minutes, all he did was complain about his ex whom he’d met seven minutes before.

Date 6: I really wasn’t sure what Todd did for a living, but he mentioned something about an SEC investigation. It didn’t matter. After 15 seconds, he accused me of being unfaithful.

Date 7: Ralph was a former child actor who lived off his trust fund while traveling the world in search of new additions to his collection of rare staple guns. Unfortunately, after three minutes, I realized he was the one for me and he realized he was gay.

Date 8: My last hope was Irving, a former ambassador to France. I’d fallen head over heals for him after one minute. Unfortunately, after two minutes, he introduced me to his mistress he’d met eight minutes earlier.

After my last date, I did feel I had grown as a person, although I hadn’t met the man of my dreams. But just think: It normally takes a year to have this many bad dates. With speed dating, I did it in one night!

Misty Edelman is a certified plant care technician who's been dating since the age of thirteen. She is the author of the soon to be self-published book about sexual etiquette, "Where Are My Panties?"