Online Couples Counseling. Is It for You?

By Brian Teely

Beatrice, 45 and Rollie, 42 met six months ago on wrinkled-dates.com, a dating service for dried fruit devotees. Their previous dating experiences were, to put it mildly, not very fruitful. Both had met enough losers to fill a Tony Robbins seminar.

Determined to make their relationship work, they decided to take things slow and get to know each other before actually meeting in person. So far, they’ve exchanged over 1,500 e-mails, 2,275 IMs, and 87 electronic greeting cards. They now feel ready to take the next big step: online couples counseling (OCC).

If your relationship has not moved beyond wistful emoticons, OCC may be for you.

The following information will help you learn more:

What is an online couples (OC) counselor?

An OC counselor is a licensed psychotherapist who shares a deep-seated fear of human contact with the clients.

How do we know we need OCC?

Ask yourself these questions:

Has your online lover’s non-use of capital letters and punctuation started to drive you crazy?

During an IM session do you find yourself dozing off with your finger on the Z key?

Have you started to wonder if the person to whom you’ve been writing for the past year is an inmate at Attica?

How does OCC work?

For approximately $2.99 a minute, a couple can openly and honestly discuss the issues that are adversely affecting their relationship with a neutral third party who may or may not be a 13 year-old kid perpetrating the scam of a lifetime.

How do we find an OC counselor?

Doing a simple search on the Internet for “online couples counselor” will turn up thousands of qualified- and semi qualified counselors. To narrow the search, enter additional criteria : “Eccentric,” “lonely,” "low selfesteem," "dysfunctional," "antisocial," and "loser" are good starters.

What questions should we ask a potential OC counselor?

On which Caribbean island are you certified?

Why aren’t you paying us for advice?

Do you offer discounts for multiple personalities?

What kind of results should we expect?

An OC counselor cannot guarantee any specific results, but on average:

After 10 counseling sessions, most couples are able to call each other on the phone, not say anything, and hang up.

After 15 counseling sessions, most couples are able to exchange articles of clothing in the mail.

After 20 counseling sessions, most couples are able to begin the confessional to each other that they may not be as tall, busty, thin, babe-a-licious, or dashing as stated in their personal ads.

After 25 counseling sessions, most couples are able to drink enough alcohol in preparation of their first face-to-face meeting.

Online couples counseling can be a helpful for moving your relationship from the chat room to the bedroom. As with all forms of psychotherapy, each party must be willing to share their most intimate thoughts and feelings no matter how difficult it is to copy and paste them in.

Brian Teely is a semi-professional folk dancer who also conducts men's sensitivity training seminars with his partner and ex-wife Shoshanna Hastings. He is the author of the self-published book, "The Idiots Guide to Self Esteem."