Does Chemistry Require Chemicals?

I have too much respect for ugly women to date them while drunk or high. If the babe I'm bedding is a bowwow, I just close my eyes and pretend she's Teri Hatcher with a bad case of the flu.

I've got two rules in life: Never turn down a drink from any guy whose name ends with "III" and never get into a hot tub sober with an octogenarian.

If you plan on dating my ex, you better be tanked to the gills. The problem? Before you know it, she's sleeping with your best friend and you've crashed the car into the swimming pool. 

Who needs artificial stimulants or depressants? When I meet the man of my dreams, it'll be like a million Fourth of Julys all rolled into one! Just like it was for my mother when she met her third husband.

The exhilarating moment when two people's eyes meet and they both know they belong together is a moment that shouldn't be sullied by booze or drugs. That moment comes when your lover confesses she's actually a man.

Meeting your soul mate is a magical experience that must be reality-based. The moment I met Zoloft, my life changed forever. And the second I was introduced to Prozac, I knew we were meant for each other.