Meeting for the First Time

By Beth Dyson

You've exchanged endless e-mails and reached new heights of virtual passion. Now it's time to meet in the flesh. The following tips will help make the memory of your first date more than a case study in "Abnormal Psychology."

1. This is not a date. Even though you may have been e-mailing each other for months, have shared your most intimate thoughts, and possibly revealed that in high school you had "unusual" feelings about your gym teachers, the person you are about to meet is a total stranger. Think of this as a job interview with liquor.

2. Exercise caution and common sense. In all probability, your date will be as harmless as a kitten. However, it never hurts to take precautionary measures: Notify friends, police, and next of kin about where and when you'll be meeting your "dream" date. Update your last will and testament. It also doesn't hurt to carry at least three forms of ID, preferably one of them tattooed on your body.

3. Meet at a place convenient for both of you. It shouldn't be hard to agree upon a spot that is easy to reach for both of you. Don't hesitate to suggest alternative locations, particularly if a gentleman insists that the most central location is the Naugehyde beanbag chair in his basement wet bar.

4. Don't overdress. You want to make a good impression, but wearing your favorite low-cut dress that makes men drool might not be a good idea if you end up with slobber in your cleavage. And even though you've spent a lifetime dreaming about that magical moment when she gazes at the 12 to 15 pounds of gold chains and medallions hanging from your neck, button your shirt. She can admire your hairy tanned navel on the next date.

5. Don't overdue it with the gifts. There's nothing wrong with greeting your potential beloved with a small token of affection such as a rose. But don't get carried away. If, at the end of the evening, you have not met your match, you will almost certainly be wondering -- no, obsessing -- if the other party intends to return the blender or power drill.

6. Keep the conversation light. You've both been dreaming about this evening for months. Do you really want to kill the mood by telling her you're actually a woman?

7. Don't eat a large meal. This is your first and possibly last chance to impress your date. It's hard to be suave and sophisticated while your cheeks bulge with pasta. If, however, it's clear you're being forced to endure a conversation that can only be compared to dental surgery without Novocain, order more bread, and run for the buffet table.

8. Ask questions. If you have a hard time thinking of things to say to a person you've just met, you probably belong to a select group that includes most if the world's population. The best way to deal with this common form of insecurity is to ask only those questions to which you know the answers. For example:

"At what hospital was I born?"

"What year did my grandmother get her hysterectomy?"

"Which five items should my ex-spouse have not received in 
   the divorce settlement?"

9. Don't have sex on the first date. (Let's face it. I'm just talking to the women on this one.) In all the years I've been dating I can only think of one good thing that happened to me by sleeping with someone on the first date. And who's to say if my trick knee wouldn't have eventually popped back into the joint on its own?

10. End the evening on a positive note. If things have gone smoothly for both of you, there should be no problem. You'll probably agree to meet soon, if not moments later, at a nearby motel (see tip # 9). If things didn't go well and you sense the other person may be transforming into stalker mode, stay calm. Thank them for a lovely evening, mention something about your terminal illness, go home, and totally rewrite your personal ad.

Beth Dyson has survived over 958 first dates. She leads a support group for verbal assault victims.