Creating a Great Personal Ad

By Misty Edelman

You've decided to take the first plunge and create an Internet personal ad. Here are some simple guidelines to help you meet the right person with a minimum of pain and humiliation.

1. Get an anonymous e-mail account. Initially, you don't want people you're meeting online to know your actual name, address, or other personal information about yourself. Save all that for when you're ten years into the relationship.

2. Give yourself an eye-catching headline. Just because there's nothing unique about you doesn't mean your headline shouldn't be. Can't think of a snappy line guaranteed to generate responses? No problem. Simply print the last line from a prescription bottle label and add "seeks no strings attached relationship."

3. Include a picture. Posting a picture of yourself is a guaranteed way to increase the number of people who respond to your ad. Also, having a good idea of what someone looks like before you meet them can never hurt. A friend of mine once met a gentleman online and agreed to meet him sight unseen. Imagine her surprise when she walked into Starbucks and there was Walter Cronkite holding a rose. -- "6'5", 55-years old, my ass!"

If you seek thousands of responses, I recommend deep cleavage poses for women and, for men I urge you to wave from an  expensive sports car or yacht. You can also include unsuspecting friends or family in the photo. The added response it will generate will more than make up for the resulting taunting and beating your loved ones are sure to receive when the whole world recognizes them from your match.com ad.

4. Spelling counts. If your really serious about meting an inteligent, whitty parson -- the kind of fellow or fellette with whom you can engage in clever repartet -- make sure to run your ad through the spel cheker before you post it. I know of a woman who once stated in her ad she was "looking for Mr. Wright." She later found herself being slobbered on by Orville III in a sushi bar.

5. Be honest. Honesty really is the best policy. If your ad lists your height as 5' 10" and you're actually 5' 2", do you really want to spend the next 50 years of marriage wearing elevator shoes?

6. Don't reveal everything. Okay, I had to say "be honest" in tip # 5, but let's get real -- you've got a lot of competition out there. Your Internet personal ad may not be the best place to talk about your "charming limp" or the fact you're writing from a "cozy prison cell." You may be proud of your bellybutton lint collection, but save that revelation for your 20th date.

7. Don't be negative. No one's life is perfect, but be as positive as possible. You're not 47-years old and still cursed with acne. You have a "youthful look." You're not a member of a chain gang. You enjoy being "connected to people." You're not an alcoholic. You're a "glass is half full" kind of guy.

8. Don't be bitter. Except for a haphazard personal hygiene regime, there's no bigger turnoff than to hear someone go on and on about a horrible ex. There will always be plenty of time to stalk, threaten, and agonize over that devil personified with whom you once shared your life. For now, suppress this negativity so the next person in your life won't realize you're a ticking time bomb.

9. Avoid clichés. Be honest. When was the last time you took a long walk on a beach? Can you name even one acquaintance who has ever said to you, "Gee, did you get a haircut or are you evolving?" A rule of thumb: A thumb is a thumb.

10. Be realistic. Most people can not live up to the expectations of personal ads. It certainly would be nice to meet a Julia Roberts look-alike who enjoys fetching you a beer and spending her Saturdays at monster truck pulls. It is more realistic to hope for a Julia look-alike from accounting who enjoys telling you to fetch your own damn beer and attends 12-step meetings with you. Face it -- George Clooney will never wake up in your bed. So try shopping around for George Costanza.

Misty Edelman is a certified plant care technician who's been dating since the age of thirteen. She is the author of the soon to be self-published book about sexual etiquette, "Where Are My Panties?"