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Corresponding OnlineBy Brian Teely You thought writing and posting your personal ad was the hard part? Think again. It's time to take a stroll through that virtual singles bar, the Internet. Here are some basic rules to prepare you for the attack of the Cyber Lounge Lizards. 1. Don't expect an overwhelming response. Unless you're a Pamela Anderson look-alike who has posted a naked picture of yourself and lists "hot oil massage" as a turn-on, you shouldn't expect to be bombarded with responses. The following table lists some of the most common categories of personal ads and the average number of responses they receive per week.*
*Source: U.S. Bureau of Petting and Dating 2. Don't be afraid to respond to ads. Most people won't bite -- unless they've listed it as a "turn on." 3. Don't respond to everyone's ad. Go for quality, not quantity. Don't worry about not connecting with that one special person you were meant to be with forever. There'll be plenty of time to agonize about that after you're married. 4. Respond with a short concise note. Even if it normally takes a 78-stanza epic poem to describe yourself, there's still something to be said for a few sentences detailing your fear of vegetables. Your response to an ad should be more like an alluring "hello," indicating you're interested in learning more about the other person. Wait until your fifth date before discussing the joys of electro-shock therapy. 5. Don't send form replies. Nothing is more annoying than receiving an impersonal response that has obviously been recycled again and again. To avoid having your message mistaken for a form response, avoid the following phrases:
6. Don't expect an immediate response from everyone. It's only natural to anxiously anticipate a response after expressing your most private thoughts to a perfect stranger. Realistically, your potential Mr. or Ms. Right has a life. They probably have other things to do -- like copying and pasting your e-mails into their prison newsletter. 7. Don't communicate by e-mail for a long period of time. It's almost impossible to judge people by their e-mails. I once had a torrid three-month cyber affair. Our e-mails were hot enough to melt a hard drive. On that fateful day when we finally met in person, I was almost insane anticipating the woman I had imagined to be the personification of beauty, intelligence, style, and good grooming. Imagine my surprise when my dream angel appeared before me dressed in a strapless gown -- along with 42 tattoos, 26 piercings, and a mouthful of gold teeth. The lesson? It's always better to check under the hood rather than under a description of the hood. 8. Avoid sending up red flags. Since your intended Prince or Princess Charming knows nothing about you, it can be easy to unintentionally present an inaccurate and even unflattering picture of yourself even when your intention is the opposite. Choose your words carefully. Common phrases to avoid are:
9. Beware of people who lie. We all shave a few pounds and erase years off our profiles, but beware of the bigger lies. Does your wannabe soulmate's photo look more airbrushed than a Joan Rivers publicity shot? Do your potential dates only call at certain hours of the day, which coincide with the phone privilege hours at a local psychiatric institution? If you begin to notice big inconsistencies in your e-mailers' stories, it may be time to move on. If you are the one writing the Big Lie, you may be better suited to politics than dating. 10. Select a neutral place to meet. If Switzerland is beyond your budgets, choose an intimate restaurant or café that is conveniently located for both parties. A facility with dim lighting is desirable, particularly when debuting bad hair plugs or botched Collagened lips. Brian Teely is a semi-professional folk dancer who also conducts men's sensitivity training seminars with his partner and ex-wife Shoshanna Hastings. He is the author of the self-published book, "The Idiots Guide to Self Esteem."
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Dear Mr./Ms./Madame/Fellow swinger,