The Three Phases of Internet Dating

By London Tips

Dante divided hell into 10 levels. Fortunately for Internet dating, there are only three phases to traverse (four if you count making bail).

1. Writing or responding to a personal ad

If It looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, the duck may still describe herself as a Catherine Zeta Jones look-alike.

He describes himself as: Handsome captain of industry with six-pack abs and and a winning smile (I have the trophies to prove it) seeks beautiful woman to share quiet times in my fully-staffed 90-foot amphibious stretch Hummer. 

She describes herself as: Former super model, current super duper model seeks sensitive, caring, hunky billionaire willing to open his heart and bank account.

2. Corresponding online

The dance of the veiled e-mails can be a treacherous tango -- particularly when a personal ad photo was taken from a satellite.

He says: Dear Zelda, I look forward to the day when we will finally meet in person. Business is going well here in London. However, I should warn you: Due to security reasons, when we finally meet, I will appear shorter, fatter, and have less hair than previously described. By the way, are you finished with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot? -- Faithfully yours, Erskine 

She says: Dearest Erskine, Even though we've never actually met in person, I count the minutes we're apart. I look forward to the day when we'll cruise the globe in your Hummer. (Have the authorities tracked down the thieves who stole it?) The photo shoot went well, though the location was switched to Canton, Ohio. I should also warn you that I had to put on 75 pounds to audition for the starring role in "The Shelly Winters Story," but I joined a gym and will be down to my normal 95 pounds in no time. -- Miss you, Zelda 

3. Googling a background check

You desperately want to believe you've discovered a diamond in the rough, but a tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying you must check for roughage.

He Googled:

PMS Quarterly
...most severe case was recorded in 2001 when a team of 10 doctors and nurses were needed to restrain Zelda Hadley for three consecutive days...
www.frenzy.org/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Woman Arrested For Violating Restraining Order
...Zelda Hadley, an ex-girlfriend of Hawkins, denied slashing his tires and throwing a brick through his living room window. Hadley was taken into custody and later released on bail...
www.payback.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

UFO Abductions of 2004
...final speaker of the evening was Zelda Hadley who talked about her three abductions in 1987, 1993, and 1997...
www.extraterrestrial.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Man Accuses Date of Stealing Wallet
...the accused, Zelda Hadley, claimed the entire incident was a misunderstanding. The couple met on perfectmates.com, an Internet dating service. Medvig has refused to drop the charges. "There is still $100 missing...
www.pickpocket.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Official Joey Buttafuoco Fan Club Web Site
...was enthusiastically attended by eight members. President Zelda Hadley called the meeting to order...
www.Joeysgirls.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

She Googled:

Norfolk D.A. Lists  Top Deadbeat Dads
...Phillip Scrimshaw, Neil Most, Fred Robinson, Eskine Tribble, Floyd Remley Leland George, Clifford Akers, Thomas Flinger, Keith Coinly, Boyden Peabody...
www.dbdads.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Firemen Remove Wall to Evacuate 900lb Man
...Tribble hadn't left his bedroom in two years. As he watched his best customer being lifted out with a forklift, Domino's Pizza deliveryman Salvatore Martinez was visibly distraught. "Erskine was my best customer. How am I going to pay for my kid's college tuition...
www.tubbyguy.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Movietime Video - Overdue Video Rentals
...Mary Cunningham - Police Academy III, Ghostbusters | Morgan Kingsley - The English patient | Celia Franklin - Bridges of Madison County | Erskine Tribble - Debbie Does Denver, Star Whores, Finding Nympho, Spank Her Doodle Dandy...
www.mtvideo.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Beware of Investment  Scams
...gave all of my life savings to Mr. Tribble, and now it's gone. I'm 75-years old and penniless." The SEC has lunched an investigation of Erskine Tribble Partners as well as the Erskine Tribble Hair Growth Center....
www.scamman.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

Cloris Leachman Stalker Convicted
...made my life a living nightmare and all he gets is probation? Erskine Tribble should be forced to live through the hell he put me through." cried a tearful Leachman. Tribble's lawyer, Wilbur Wainwright, maintained his client's innocence and vowed to appeal the...
www.clorisrules.com/ - 34k - Cached - Similar pages

London Tips was Cher's relationship coach from 1987-89. She currently chairs the Drama Department at the Beverly Hills Blockbuster Video.